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not such crazy as normal

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simply a person...life tray to cut my wings but she is human enough to leave me eyes and little bit mind to analize what I see :) be yourself... and let others be as they are...

not_such_crazy_as_normal

"Home is not where you live but where they understand you."- Christian Morgenstern
August 12

starting all from beginning...or parhaps I will come back...

         I dont know way I am here...perhaps cause cant sleep ..perhaps cause I dont be here for some pretty long time...perhaps I dont delete my space here even I quit writing cause I know somehow that one day I will come back...perhaps I want meet some old friens who still stay here and still write..perhaps...perhaps...
perhaps cause one of my life period is ower...and the next one will start tomorrow...
         so...way I stop writing...simply...one day I understand that there is nothing more to say....wery prosaic...
       well...t was pretty long time when I write something here last time...many things changed since that time...
I graduated academy..surprisingly I graduated it very good and professors want me to stay there to get master degree...I refuse...it is very interesting but it takes also much of my nerves and life...to be very good in something you must live in this...and to do something only to do its not in my style...I am player va bank...if i cant I stop...
....also this is related for my job...I had exclusive job...very exsotic..last 3 years I work in bank...I was the specialist for retrieving the credit debts...in other words I was dealing with persons who dont suceed to pay back money....it was pretty hard stuff... 3 years 8 hours dealing with people- see theyr anger,listen theyr problems and make the deals with them...mentaly pretty hard stuff...and at one moment I understand that I cant do this any more...
so...I quit...and tomorrow or to be  more correct after 11 hours I will go to France....we will see..may be forever...
I am scared and excited and curious .... the decision was taken ... and I am ready to jump in unknown....and start all from zero...
as the people used to say..<<<nothing happens without reason>>>....we will see........
June 22

I AM STILL ALIVE :)

 
February 18

I will tray........

.........I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going......... and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture......... The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire........ So............ despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course............. I'll never know until I try.........and I will tray......

.............Rabbit, I trust you and I hope you will join me in this journey.......... I know there is not much story with <happy end> but way this one cant be exception.......... everything is possible and miracles can happen .................. only you must believe ...and I believe............I hope you too.........

November 05

.......

................my power today lies in denial or blocking. 'Don't even go there.' I will not let myself be limited, paralyzed, held hostage or alienated by fear or fantasy that relies on exploitive emotional rescue, sacrifice of truth, or victimization. I will not be a prisoner to my own perceptions or expectations. Why did Cinderella stay? Do I want to be right or alone? Why have I placed a mental gag order on my own suffering or thinking? I am empowered to question or endure by virtue of my own self-worth because there is no honor in sacrificing my self to victimhood.
................i thik about that today........
October 23

Impression collector....

 
Birthdays...
when I was a child I wait them ...I wait for gifts and wait them cause I want grow up...I think when I will be adult I will be really happy and I can do everything I want...idealistic thinking ....but if we look back and in memories find that child you had been time ago and tray to recall what he/she thinks...I think almost all thought in similar way...
when I grow up I see that adolescence is not the paradise..that the happiness what seem so desirable is not so big as it was in my dreams and I have so much duties and responsibilities then if I managed create  some little place in all this  only for myself.. I feel really happy...and then one moment I reach the point that I don't like birthdays cause I realise that each year I  become older and older...I want to stop the time but it is not possible...
as I remember myself I start hating my birthdays approximately when I was 16 years old...I want to stop time but i realize that it is not possible...each birthday was more or less depressive time for me...
I have 2 colleagues who are much older then I ...they're birthdays are before mine...talking with them I find out that they have the same depressive feeling according this event..so it is not only me who feels in such way... 
 the 7 of October was my birthday..so I will started to prepare to depression...
...different persons celebrated their birthdays different...some are celebrated it with family...the most traditional way is party with friends...
someone suggested me that i must make party and it will be great...may be it will be.. but when i think about this idea i find out that i don't have so many close friends what i really like to party with..also when I look back all birthdays are equal...way I must make such party ..i have opportunity see all whom i want to see when I want to see them without party ...or simply parting with them without reason...way i must act in this  way? ....
in my thoughts I go through all things and dreams and wishes what i ever had and for one or another reason postpone them  cause it was Utopian or seamed unreachable at that moment... what I really want?..and then somehow  really crazy idea comes in to my mind...Can i give myself birthday gift- a journey   to the place where I wish to go for years...way not? The decision was made........
So.......... I gone to Spain...may be sounds not normal but I celebrated my birthday in Barcelona..it was something different then birthdays I had before...so many fantastic things sights impressions...I feel free and happy I enjoy happiness of being...see so many beauty, meet Manfred (Bluebird) in real life,thanks him I see Sitges -piece of paradise-fantastic place near the see...first time in my life  I see the mountains..it was breath taking sight ...I open myself up to world...I  realize that I spend years digging up myself trying to find out reasons of this or that ..but solution is so simple...all what I need is to open myself to world and simply enjoy..I let myself be and enjoy life in all colours and forms...this was the greatest birthday what i have since my childhood....I don't regret not any moment of this trip...I was very very happy..and still I have this feeling....sometimes is worth to do something crazy to realize that it is worth to live...
 
P.S. Manfred, if you ever read this ..I want to say big THANK YOU for all what you do for us and for your gift -your book is wonderful , you gave us opportunity to see more beauty in your country..thank you from all my heart...
September 24

HOW TO INSTALL LOVE....

Customer Service (CS) Rep. : "Yes, Ma'am, how may I help you today?"

Customer: "Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?"

CS Rep. : "Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?"

Customer: "Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?" 

CS Rep. : "The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?"

Customer: "Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?"

CS Rep. : "What programs are running ma'am?"

Customer: "Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now."

CS Rep. : "No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?"

Customer: "I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?"

CS Rep. : "My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased."

Customer: "Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?"

Cs Rep. : "Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?"

Customer: "Yes I do. Is it completely installed?"

Cs Rep. : "Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades."

Customer: "Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?"

Cs Rep. : "What does the message say?"

Customer: "It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS. What does that mean?"

Cs Rep. : "Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in nontechnical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others."

Customer: "So what should I do?"

Cs Rep. : "Can you pull down the directory called"SELFACCEPTANCE"?"

Customer: "Yes, I have it."

Cs Rep. : " Excellent. You're getting good at this."

Customer: "Thank you."

Cs Rep. : "You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely and permanently gone erased."

Customer: "Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?"

Cs Rep. : "Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go."

Customer: "Yes?"

Cs Rep. : "LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will share it with other people and then return some similarly sacred modules back to you."

Customer: "I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?"

Cs Rep. : " You may call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Many people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the Manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Put another way, keep in touch . . ."

~Author - Unknown ~

September 10

.......

 
...........yesterday ,during reading  some articles, I find this one...
 
........the author ,some journalist , interview  woman - fugitive from the invaded country. The middle aged woman despite she lost her home, belongings and work, beam out peace and inner light, what in such situation seem absurd. Amazed journalist asked that woman what can she suggest what to do in moments when person lose heart, gone faith his/her strength and all what left is- anger?
the woman's answer was:
"Calm down your breath and mind. Imagine the grave stone, on which between dates of birth and death you can see the thin short line-this line is humans life. Celebrate your life-your existence-in rain or shine and each moment, cause life is most supreme value and opportunity you  have! "
 
....somehow this thought don't leave me and come back in my mind again and again several times...it is not cause I feel bad or feel depressed...no, I am OK....I can't explain way...
............may be.... cause it is worth to think about it...
July 29

............

I tray to enjoy summer and hot sunny days 
as much as can...
drive aroud
as much as I can....
see something new
 as much as I can ...
feel alive and happy...........
..........as much as I can........
 
 
 
hope you do the same........
July 16

...........

To be yourself

You must first

Let your selfe Be.......

July 05

........

From the outside nothing looks out of place
I've got a superhero costume and a happy face
And if you ask you know what I'll say
“Everything is fine, it's great, I'm okay”

I'll throw a party for my fair-weather friends
Just don't look now there's a big, black cloud overhead
And if you ask you know what I'll say
“Everything is fine, it's great, I'm okay”

...............

I'll be taking comfort in strangers
Because the little lies we tell aren't really dangerous
You say “How ya doin” and I'm on trial
'Cause I've been caught red-handed in a stolen smile

I could be rude, I could be vague
I could be quiet
Or look you right in the face
As I lie, I say, “Everything is fine, it's great, I'm okay”
                              
                                             I don't want to bring you down.........
                               /Author unknown/
I look around the spaces and feel like stranger here...
                                                       feel sad and melancholoc...
June 18

unperfect... perfect....

        ....one more day and all this mad run will be over - this phrase is one with I tray to encourage myself :)
is it really so or is it only illusive hope that I tray to believe...time will show...
.          ...so ...tomorrow finally will be my course work presentation day...don't know if it will be success or  total failure...I hate public presentations- they make me nervous and sick... I start worry and get in panic and cant think logic during them....oh..I wish it will be over soon...
         My theme is< psychological aspects of perfectionism> in context of creative mind ,talent, gifted, stress and depression...
          Till now everything goes perfect..I have great course project supervision....fantastic professor...I send her my work with some doubts cause I know that this only one small outlook on this phenomena and there is so much more things there to look and describe here...this person is the first one in my life time who says that I must stop and that this is ENOUGH...amaizing...in all my life  no one never say me such thing and noone can tray to stop me...usually there is not enough.. and people expected more and more...from childhood I remember these phrases like ..<You can do it better>, or <may be you can tray more> etc...at least one person say that it is ENOUGH.... :)
           ......in appraisal my work was very highly rated -I have 10 points of 10 possible... besides they surprised me saying that they don't want loose contact with me and they want me to made publication  about this theme in professional psychological journal (there is place where publications are by persons who already have degree-I am only student) so it is very high assessment of what I had done...
            .... the work(the part of it) is done...am I happy? ..I don't know...I know that this work took too much energy, time and practically is all with what I live last three month...(I dont have material in my languag so all material i must read and translate from english...that makes this workdouble hard)...I know that I am tired and started have health problems according it...all I know that I must take a break and that I cant follow live in such way..yes I know that I am perfectionist and there is very hard for me  to stop ...but I must switch to something else if I don't want loose my health and break my mental system (lose that part what still remains cause the other part is already lost)...so I must be rational girl :)
     ................cross fingers ...the final cut will be tomorrow................
May 29

.......

 
I hope you all
enjoy spring ,sun
and are happy .....
I hope be back wery soon...
May 06

Can you read mans mind???

Episode 1
It was the beginning of last year...I don't remember directly the month and the date..I remember only that it is grey  morning ..I was at work..there is no work at the moment  and I was sitting and watching people passing by... my thoughts are ramble somewhere I don't remember exactly about what I was thinking .... honestly I don't feel very good that day...there are many people passing by  ...my attention attracts one men......when he passed by he looks at me and  our sights met ..he looks at me inquiring and strange ...he passes by and after  a while I forgot about him...  some time later...maybe it was half of hour maybe more... I saw him again... he comes back ... this time I see he comes straight to me....I thought he cant find something he is looking for..(there is rather big place and sometimes people cant find that office or shop what they are looking
for and usually they asking for help)...he stopped at my desk...I waited that he asks me something but he don't do that..he looked at me and gave me flowers...I was  totally amazed....I definitely know that I never met this person before and that I see him first time in my life...I asked him "way me?" and he  answers "I look in to your eyes and see there so much saddens....If something was going wrong I wish that soon everything will be good with you. I want you to be happy" ...that is all what he say ....he turns around and went out ....I never meet this person again.... 
 Episode 2
that was few days ago... I was going to work..the day was beautiful warm and sunny, the people passing by looks  happy and well rested...I was tired and unsatisfied according my self..i was spend all free time at PC writing these papers whole month.. i feel the life passes by... the spring comes..I don't notice that process..I just recognize only the fact ....i don't participated i was standing outside of all..the life goes by without me.....feel myself as tired , disappointed and ugly freak on the background of the life's stage ...
When I cross the street I notice few people crossing the street before me... strait before me the street cross very well dressed, tall  physically well built man...when i finish crossing the street the man suddenly turns around and look at me and ask me in English... can i help him..his English was perfect without accent..he looks intelligent  ...he don't seamed like he was lost in city ..he definitely knows where he was going..so I ask how can I help him...he asks :"Can you read mans mind?"I answer him that I am not sure about that but  how can I help him...then he say that he dont want me to think that he is  crazy but.... he  want to meet me and can I agree meet with him.......I don't expect such question......I was totally shocked .......I thought that i know people rather well and this one is definitely not that type of man who used to to make acquaintance in the streets and definitely he is not one of adventurers...what let this man act in such way? I ask him :" There are many perfect woman around..way me?"...He looked at me , smiled and say :"Cause you are very beautiful woman" (oh...minute ago I thought that I am the ugliest and wort freak in all city )...............
how it ends?....probably I make wrong choice this time... but who knows ...may be right one...simply..I let him go...
 
This recent episode calls in my memory  the first episode what took place time ago....these two episodes  comes in my mind and don't go away ..not cause these facts what happen there are remarkable(they are remarkable I cant deny but the reason way I cant stop think about them are another) This is  this irrational behaviour of thous mans...I cant find the rational explanation of they spontaneous acting ...in both situations their   behaviour is definitely not characteristic to such types of personalities... it is impulsive and not ordinary not only in social level but in theyr personal level too..............way really they act so?
                  ...Can I read mans mind??? .. ..DEFINITELY NOT..
                   some things in mans mind seemed absolute mystery to me...
April 30

...........

Date  30.04.06
              Time 3:29AM
                              Recent feelings :total emptiness and tiredness
                                                       Recent thoughts: Is it really all this  worth so?........
                                                                                       
                                             is the price for all this is not so high?.........
                                                               
                                                                  
                                           tired, tired, tired...........                                                                     
April 15

Easter project...

Honestly I am not great Easter Bunny fun..I accept Easter mainly as Christian celebration...
I colored eggs cause Vinsent..
last time I dont have much opportunity to spend  time with him together..
so today we take some fun ....
 (the photos are in album).
..... this is our contribution to Easter Bunny this time.
 
Happy Easter  !
 
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